My Self love journey

I have been on a mission to improve my mental health by taking a direct approach to self care. I realized that I had to improve my reality in order to find peace with myself. In order to change my reality I had to change my mentality or mindset. That would be the most difficult part of this journey.

I always thought that I wasn’t worthy. Worthy of love, worthy of care, worthy of anything. As soon as I shifted this idea out of my head everything started to change. I started saying things to myself that totally shifted my reality. The truth that I failed to see was that I was worthy and every human is worthy of simple basic needs. It was not necessary for me to neglect myself in order to be productive or successful. I was just as important.

I went from being selfless to selfish. Let me explain. I had neglected and negated my own feelings for so long that people knew I cared more about them and what they thought of me than how I felt or thought about myself. They knew that I would go out of my way, sometimes to my own detriment, to help or please them instead of myself.

This caused me a lot of stress and I lost a lot of time and rest because of it. I missed important moments in my life because I was focused on what other people thought or felt about me.

I immediately changed this behavior by asking myself “How does this affect you?” “How will this help you?” Will this make you feel good? Will this give you peace?” As soon as I started to care more about me and my feelings people started to call me selfish. A title I was happy to take if it meant that at the end of the day I would have peace and be happy with ME.

You have to know you’re only selfish to people when they can no longer use you for their own selfish gain.

Everyone is fine with your life falling apart as long as it serves them. Protect yourself and your peace. Affirmations were number one in helping me to create a mindset that served me. I also have a gratitude journal that I try to write one thing I am grateful for everyday. You have to be your own cheerleader. You should never push or motivate anyone harder than you do yourself. Counseling also helped me to overcome a lot of stigmas that I attached to myself.

Once I made my mental space peaceful and inviting, my physical world started to follow. I was living healthier, sleeping better, stressing less, and enjoying life more. I even started to look better because it made me feel good to focus on myself which caused me to cultivate my style. My makeup, hair, clothes, even my hygiene started to reflect how much care I was putting into myself.

I don’t have any magic formula or great ancient secret for this but, I promise if you take time to focus on yourself, Your life will change dramatically. Give yourself the love and care you deserve. You are an awesome person and you deserve the best. Give it to yourself. No one will ever love or care for you more than you.

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Let’s water the flowers

Sometimes people just need to hear a kind word. The world is full of hate and unrest. It’s hard to find kindness or even courtesy. Let’s give people more of what we want.

I have always wanted to be loved and well liked. How can the universe give me something that I’m not willing to give others? My grandma used to say “ If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” I’m taking that to heart this year.

I make it my intention every day to say something nice to anyone I meet. Even if it’s just a warm hello or good morning. I say it with a smile and a little enthusiasm. People love to be greeted.

I’ve also made it an intention to encourage people I see struggling. Everyone needs encouragement. Not everyone has a strong support system at home. Your kind words may be the only and last kind words that they ever hear.

Life is so short. We must help each other on this journey. We must band together and climb up this mountain called life. Please find it in your heart to be kind and encourage someone today. It will make you feel just as good as them. It’s a great cure for the blues.

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
― Maya Angelou

The anxiety seeds of a pandemic

I used to love working and going places. Now I can’t even get out of my bed to go to work without some sort of anxiety attack. I’m trying my hardest to get back to normal but I just can’t seem to get in line. My life is forever changed. I wasn’t an introvert. The pandemic made me one. I used to have plenty of friends and vast social circles.

Now, I barely want to go to the grocery store or go in at a gas station. If I can be serviced at my car or have things delivered to my house, I’m satisfied.

I never thought this would change me but it has. I’m not the same person I used to be. I never did large crowds. Now I can’t even do large crowds online. The sight of a large group makes me cringe.

I would love nothing more than for things to go back to normal. It still won’t change the fact that I can’t get back to normal.

Manipulation

My topic for this week, if ya’ll have paid attention to my posts on Facebook, was manipulation. The reason why I was doing manipulation was because I felt like I was being manipulated myself. Manipulation comes in a lot of different forms you know. It’s more than people just using you but it’s people using you for their own gain. For what it is that they need done. For whatever it is that tickles their fancy. That’s the manipulation that I’m talking about.

So the number one way that you can know that you’re being manipulated is if someone is transcribing someone else’s feeling to you that means a lot to you and it causes you to change your behavior, you’re being manipulated. If someone makes a situation happen that causes you to act a certain way, you’re being manipulated. If someone has a reaction to you or something that you do in order to shift your energy, you’re being manipulated.

I’m saying all these things to say this, you don’t ever let anybody have the key to your energy, to your mind. You should not let anybody shift what is going on inside of you. If you feel like a million then you should always feel like a million regardless of how it makes the person standing next to you feel. I’ve done this a lot in my life. I will take down my shine to make other people in the room comfortable. I’m sorry that you are uncomfortable with my shine but, this is my shine. Maybe you need to turn your light up a little bit. Maybe you need to fine-tune your kilowatts. I am no longer going to turn down my shine to make you feel comfortable because what happens is you are basically negating yourself for the benefit and the comfort of someone else. If somebody feels some type of way about your shine that means that standing next to you they feel inferior and that’s their problem not yours.

It’s not your fault that they feel inferior, that they feel less than, because they’re standing next to you and your light is shining so bright. Don’t dumb down yourself for nobody and don’t let anybody have the key to your energy, to your spirit, to your shine. There shouldn’t even be a switch accessible for the outside world to even turn down your shine, even turn down your energy, to even turn down your glow. That shouldn’t ever happen.

You got people walking around from day to day really dumbing down their shine for the comfort of someone else. Listen, if your friends feel some type of way about your shine, they ain’t your friends, because your real friends gonna push you up to shine brighter. They’re gonna push you up to do better. I hate to have to go so far back but, this is about how far back as I can go. In high school I had friends, real friends, and and they know who they are because we still rock till this day but I had real friends that used to get on my ass and be like “dude what’s wrong with you? why are you looking like this? why your clothes wrinkle? what the [ %#@ ] is wrong with you? can you get your [ $#@! ] together? oh uh uh, you can’t sit with us looking like that.” I needed all of that. Why? Because I was dumbing myself down to fit into something that I didn’t even belong to.

See, that’s the thing, when God give you a shine, that’s your shine, and most of the time, when he gives you a shine, that shine is just for you. You can’t take nobody with you. You can’t share it. You damn sure can’t give people access to it.

You know what happens when people find fire, they want to put it out it’s just a natural instinct to put out a fire. So if you got the fire, I guarantee if you let people see it, they gonna want to put it out. Folks are afraid of fire. Fire burns, fire destroys, and most of the time the only thing you burning and destroying is their lack of self-confidence and self-esteem.

You all know what happens when you get too close to fire. Nobody wants to be next to anything hotter than them. Nobody wants to stand next to a chick that’s hotter than them. They don’t want to be affiliated with nobody who’s faster than them or stronger than them. Don’t dump down your shine for them. They have the same opportunity as you. They can level up just like you. What’s wrong with a lot of ya’ll is that ya’ll are putting your level up on hold because it’s gonna make your friends uncomfortable. Your level up is about you. If your friend’s are uncomfortable, that’s on them

They got the same access to the same internet as you do. So, if that makes them feel uncomfortable, then too damn bad. Level up anyway. Do you anyway. You cannot put your shine on hold. You cannot put yourself on hold for the comfort of other folks. You can’t let people manipulate you into thinking that if you do this, that, and the third, if you come down from level one to level 10, that that’s going to make your relationship better. It does not because they’re already disrespecting you by demanding that you turn it down.

I hope this is helping somebody.

If you spend your whole life trying to make other folks comfortable, you will never take the time to make you comfortable. You’ll never take the time to make you happy. What makes you happy, what makes you feel good, is the only thing that matters. I used to be that person that was like “oh let me tone it down, let me bring it down, not any more. I’ll turn it all the way up every everywhere I go. Manipulation is only someone else’s way of turning down your shine, of turning down your energy. People who have more than you will be jealous of you. They will be jealous of you because of your shine and they will manipulate their way into your energy to turn it down for the comfort of themselves. Don’t let it happen.

The worst thing that you ever do is turn down your shine to comfort somebody else. If you let them do that that time then they’ll keep going and going and going and going and going and then after a while you find yourself on puppet string. Be aware of it and know when it’s happening to you so you can prevent the side effect of it.

You have to be strong. You have to be mentally strong, and you have to be emotionally mature. When you mature emotionally, there are a lot of things that you will let go of. You aren’t easily pushed or moved by other people’s actions. You will respond instead of react. I hope this post helped someone.

Goal setting for the new year

I know it’s a tough subject to think about right now but it’s time to set some goals for 2020. We all start out the new year with resolutions, which we break within 10 minutes of the new year. This year I’m starting with goals. I want to accomplish more in the new year besides a whole night sleep.

After carefully reviewing every aspect of my life, I have come up with carefully thought out goals and action steps to help me to reach each one. This sounds simple, but it took me a few days to sort out what I really wanted out of life and how could I get there.

I had to sort out the attainable from the totally rediculous. I have a lot of wants, all of my wants cannot be turned into attainable goals. Most of my wants were really broken down to achievable by a change in routine or habit. My real goals, had a series of steps and levels to the finished product.

I have four planners that help me to achive daily, weekly, and monthly goals. All of them are different sizes and only one system is a different type. I picked each of these planners according to what information I will be keeping track of in each. I’ll go into more detail of each in a later post.

When you get your clear vision about what you want out of life and make a plan of how you will get there, trust your judgement on what if any planner or planning system will work for you.

Here are a few pointers to help you along the way.

1. Separate your wants from your needs. Most goal setting is stumped by wants vs needs. Needs are necessary for everyday life, wants make getting your needs easier, comfortable or more efficient.

2. Be realistic about your goals. Nothing hurts worse than trying to reach an unrealistic goal. It’s like trying to go to the moon without a space ship.

3. Don’t stop with a general goal. Keep going by writing your action steps out. Then you can see your plan in action.

4. Take your time. This is your goals and your plan. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else or conform your goals based on where you should be. Plan for where you are and where You want to go and not where others want you to be.

5. You don’t have to be a superhero. Your goal are about you and only you. Don’t feel bad for that. You are not responsible for helping others achieve their goals. Don’t allow them to make you feel bad about your success.

I hope this post helps you to rock your goals this year. Go for it. Don’t let fear keep you from your dreams.

Putting Out The “Fires” That Burn our lives to the ground.

Everyday there are things in our life that run a muck. Sometimes we can catch it as it’s happening and intervene. Other times we don’t see it until it’s a four alarm fire. What we don’t realize is that most of the fires in our life, we start. We wonder why things happen to us knowing we haven’t done anything. That is the biggest problem, not doing anything. Here are four things that we do unconsciously that starts an avalanche of problems.

1. Neglect. Neglect by definition is to give little attention or respect to. Like your child’s behavior which used to be cute but is now publicly embarrassing? Your marriage that used to be full of love and joy but now you can’t stand to be in the same room with one another? Your credit score that seems to reduce itself by 100 points a day? Your weight that you make excuses for? The body that you hide in baggy clothes? All of these things are the consequence of neglect.
2. Indifference. Indifference by definition is the lack of interest concern or sympathy. Much like neglect it has the same type of consequential universal reaction. For example, your credit score is dwindling because you are indifferent about paying your bills or paying them on time. You have no sense of concern or urgency on your responsibilities. You see no need to work out so you don’t. As long as your kids aren’t bothering you, you implement no real discipline, and so on.
3. Fear. Fear is a feeling induced by a perceived danger. The keyword here is perceived. Perception can be altered depending on your position. Like the rear view mirror on the side of your car that says “objects in mirror are closer than they appear”. Life has no such warning but that would be great if it did. Just like you have to look before you switch lanes to prevent collision, you have to look around in your life to prevent destruction.
4. Complacency. This is the dreaded comfort zone that people warn you about. You get comfortable with below average or even substandard life that you have no clue what’s going on around you like going to the job that you hate because it pays some of the bills instead of updating your resume or going back to school because staying at the crappy job is easier. Or not disciplining your kids because you want to be their buddy instead of a parent. By the time you realize the whole forest of your life has burned to the ground.
5. Keeping up with the Kardashians. The phrase “keeping up with the Jones’s” is a bit outdated for this day and age of social media, but the same applies here. Being so wrapped up in keeping up appearances in a one-sided media platform is a dangerous distraction. While you are falling victim to the drama and consumerism which is social media, your own world is falling to pieces. Social media only tells one side of the story. It’s there for advertisement and entertainment. It is a bad representation of real life.

Now that we have established how most of the “fires” in our lives get started, let me give you a few “emergency contacts” (tips) to help you put a few out.

1. Call the “Fire Department”. In other words, get some help. Most times the people who truly care about you can see the fire from the outside better than you can from the inside and will be glad to help in any way they can. This also applies to counsel. Talking to someone could be the biggest and best help of all.
2. Get Moving. You can’t do anything standing still. Real lasting change requires action. Have you ever seen a firefighter standing still or not doing anything at the scene of a fire? Not doing anything is what got the fire started and action is the only way to put it out.
3. Call Serve Pro. Not really but you have to clean up the mess. Remove all the debris (negativity) from your life and evaluate what you really want. Remove some things, and even people, that no longer serve you any purpose. I know you love your tribe but what good are they if they can’t help you or at least warn you about what they see. “Hey friend, your house is burning”.
4. Have a plan. Make sure you know where all the “exits” and “fire extinguishers” are. Have people designated to help you and keep them updated on how you’re doing. If you’ve ever experienced the devastation of a real house fire like me, you know how important it is to prevent rather than put out. Have a plan and people in place to help you. You won’t regret it.

Your life doesn’t have to “burn” but once and a while a few small fires flare up. With the right support and training (self discipline), the next fire won’t be so bad.

Self Esteem Master Class

The Hard Truth

Self Esteem is a tough issue for a lot of people. We are not mentally prepared to take a hard look at ourselves and think critically about who we are and what we represent. Our value or our worth is based upon what other people need or want from us.

What most of us have not realized yet, is that the person we see in the mirror every day is our true hero. You have the tools to change who and what you are at any point in time. You can save yourself and the direction your life is going in.

We are always waiting on something or someone to save us and the reality is that the savior is you. That idea that you have, the invention you are thinking of, even the book you want to write, all of those things are coming to you for a reason.

You have to trust that if God gives you an idea that he will certainly give you the tools to bring that idea into existence. Trust your gut and go for it. There are lessons and a blessing on the journey. All you have to do is make the first step. Jump into your future without fear or worry. There is something great waiting for you at the end.

We center our lives around other people as if our life belongs to them and not us. Who are you really living for? Are you even living at all? Do you feel like something is missing?

Make the first step to a better life and a better future. Step into your destiny with confidence and clarity. You know exactly what you have to do. Get started. Make a move and don’t look back, I know it seems scary. I know you’re afraid. Everything awesome in life happens on the other side of fear.

Take control of your life and your future. Get out there and make something happen. The universe is waiting to give you your heart’s desire.

Give yourself a break

Often times we are hard on ourselves. We rant and stew in all of our assumed shortcomings and disappointments. Your brain will always fool you into thinking that what you are doing on a daily basis isn’t good enough. The question is, “Good enough for who?” Whose standards are we judging our life by? Whose plan for our life are we going by?

Most of the time we are judging ourselves through the eyes of others. That is a crappy way of viewing yourself. Other people judge us based on their own insecurities. Their view of themselves is greatly skewed by another person’s impression upon them and they are now making this impression upon you. All impressions and ideas, in this case, are false.

You are not what people say about you. You are not what people think about you. You don’t have to be what others want you to be. You don’t have to live up to the unrealistic model that people want you to reach. Your life is in your hands. You have the final say in your portrait of who you are and what you want to do with your life. Give yourself a break!

No one is perfect. Everyone has flaws and they make each and every one of us unique individuals. Stop being hard on yourself and letting other people lay their criticism at your doorstep. You are only living for you. You are only competing with You. You only need to make You happy.

The minute you realize, accept and implement this, your life and your insight will be so much better. Your mind will clear and you can focus on what really matters, You.

My Plan for the new year

I must be honest and share my story. When I was a child, I watched my parents move on with their life. They really weren’t there for me they didn’t raise me, my grandparents raised me, well my grandparents and my aunts. I’ve never seen a real relationship growing up and because of that. I tell my kids I love you all the time. you don’t realize as an adult, it’s more about showing that you love him instead of just saying that you love them. Occasionally, would hear someone say I love you. Then I wouldn’t see them for 6 to 8 months at a time. I never feel compassion respect or real genuine love from that person that would always say I love you.

Now raising two kids of my own I found myself going into the same pattern as my parents. Most of the time, my kids, I’ll leave them up to their own devices and I feel like that’s a bad way to be, but at the same time I watch them discover so much about themselves and the world around.  I feel better when I realize what knowledge they gain by letting them wonder just a little.

I’m also surprised at what knowledge I’ve gained by wandering myself. Wandering a little in the world, just a little in my own mind and by Taking Chances on things that I wouldn’t take a chance on before. I watch my kids how courageous they are in life and I envy them and at the same time I’m so proud. I’m not as courageous as they are. I have no idea where they get their coverage from. It could be from just Shear innocence, but they make me think a lot. They make me think about what I want to do in life. they make me think about where I want to go, what I want to be. Now mind you, I’m almost in my forties. My kids are 8 years old and 2 years old and I think God has a unique way of putting things in my life at the right time, so he can steer us in the right direction.

I believe having my children as late in life as I did is now the force that is pushing me to do something greater with my own life. I’m not just living for my kids I’m now living for me. I know that finding me will give them a better perspective of who they are. The more confidence I build in myself, the more confidence I can build in my kids.

I love my children very much and I want them to be confident and stable adults. I want them to be conscious of Their Own self and of their own well-being.

A lot of times in my life I’ve tended to accept the bad behavior of others as if it was something that I deserved or something that I never expected. Now gaining a deeper introspective myself and getting to know myself a whole lot better, I realize that I no longer require anyone’s acceptance. I will not tolerate anyone bad behavior. so, the thing is if I hold myself to high standards why not hold everyone else to those same standards.

I don’t accept bad behavior from my children. I don’t respect that behavior from my spouse, so why should I let Outsiders give me that same Behavior. going into 2019, I no longer accept anyone’s bad behavior. I no longer accept anyone else’s crosses to bear. I no longer accept not being respected. I no longer accept not being on the level that I should be.

I’m gaining a new love for myself, and you loving me is no longer a requirement. I have to say no to what’s not healthy for me. Hopefully you move forward in 2019 with the same mantra. What is not healthy for me does not belong to me. It does not belong with me. I will not carry it in my bag. I will not carry it in my mind. I will not carry it in my heart. I will only carry what is healthy for me. Happy New Year everyone